When the Dutch came to America, they naturally brought their customs and traditions with them, some being modified more than others once they were in a new land. The traditions involving courtship and marriage were no exception.
Courtship customs varied, depending upon the origin of the couple. North Holland customs allowed a daughter much more latitude than South Holland customs, for example. Parents from North Holland would absent themselves when the "suitor" visited the daughter and allowed the couple a separate room for courtship. Girls were respected that had an honest "queester" (night visitor) and even widows received these visitors. (By night visitor is meant a gentleman who visited for about 5 or 6 hours, and sometimes even until daybreak!)
Parents from South Holland, on the other hand, strictly watched their daughters. Lovers often resorted to ruse to meet one another, something that might be helped by bribing the maidservant, for example. If no servant was available, then the suitor might leave a flower, bouquet or wreath on the front door. If he found it on the street the next morning, he wouldn't necessarily be discouraged, but would try again! Social customs dictated certain responses to a suitor's advances. If upon a first visit the girl stood up, arranged her bonnet, and smoothed out her dress so as to make herself attractive, the suitor knew he was welcome, but if she went to the fireplace and gripped the tongs, he knew he wasn't!
If a suitor were accepted, he was then allowed to visit on Wednesdays as well as Sundays, to take his sweetheart to "Whitsuntide fêtes" and to the "kermis".
Apparently the residents of New Amsterdam were lax in keeping the laws of the Fatherland. In fact, a law was passed on January 15, 1658, which said:
"Persons whos banns have been published must marry within one month, or show cause to the contrary, under a penalty of 10 guilders for the first week and 20 guilders for each succeeding week. No man or woman shall be at liberty to keep house as married persons, before they are legally married, on pain of forfeiting 100 guilders, more or less, as their quality shall be found to warrant, and all such persons may be amerced anew therefor[sic] for every month, according to the order and custom of our Fatherland."
Records show that the betrothal was very binding in the eyes of the law. A promise of marriage also involved the exchange of a pledge, usually in the form of a ring or a coin. If the engagement were broken after the publication of the banns, the punishment could be severe. Here's one example from April 15, 1658 in New Amsterdam.
"Nicholas Albertsen, for deserting his ship and betrothed bride after publication of the banns, was sentenced to have his head shaved, then to be flogged, and have his ears bored, and to work two years with the negroes"!
In order to publish the banns, the couple had to have parental consent, and also had to have parental consent for the marriage to be legal. In 1648, a case occurred which shows this. William Harck, Sheriff of Flushing, married Joan Smith, without her parents' consent, to Thomas Nuton, widower. Harck was fined 600 guilders and dismissed from office and the marriage annulled. Nuton was fined 300 guilders. (The marriage did take place then after three proper proclamations.)
Even after divorce, which did occur, the unoffending party could not marry again without permission from authorities. Divorce knew no social bounds. In 1659, the Schout, Nicasius de Sille, petitioned for divorce and separation of marriage from Catharina Croegers on account of "her unbecoming and careless life, both by her wasting of property without his knowledge, as by her public habitual drunkenness."
Once married, the marriage could only be broken on the ground of unfaithfulness. (Perhaps a more lenient rule was in effect for those in authority, such as Nicasius de Sille.) A separation was difficult to obtain except for persistent cruelty. Occasional wife-beatings and even an assault on the husband by his spouse were common enough.
Bigamists were not uncommon. Cornelius Van Tienhoven, the Schout, was accused of this. He had a wife, Rachel Vigne, in New Amsterdam, and a romantic interest in Holand. The girl, Lysbet Van Hoogvelt, exposed Van Tienhoven in court once she came to New Amsterdam.
Once betrothed (engaged), the custom among the wealthier classes was to invite all relations and friends to the betrothal dinner. A contract was actually signed in the presence of a notary. One custom at this time was for the father-in-law of the bride to give her a châtelaine. This was of silver, leather, or filigree with various articles hanging from silver chains, among which were a pair of scissors, a small knife in leather sheath, finely mounted, a needle-case, a silver-bound pincushion, a scent ball, and sometimes a small mirror. These chatelaines were a sign that the young lady was engaged or betrothed. The husband to be might present his sweetheart with a muffler of the finest cambric and a pledge of love, with a poem besides. The betrothal was celebrated with a special dinner attended by the immediate families and intimate friends.
Once betrothed, the couple set their wedding day and selected the bridesmaids ("playmates") and also two "speeljonkers" (play-youths) and two "spellmeisjes" (play-girls). Their duty was to decorate the house, to regulate the various entertainments, and to serve the bride and bridegroom. A bride's servant was under them, who remained under the bride during these "brides-days" and on the wedding day.
Once the wedding arrived, the bridesmaids had the following duties: to introduce the guests, arrange the seating of the guests at the table and show them their places, to be merry and entertaining, and to make everyone else gay and light-hearted. They also decorated the bridegroom's pipe with garlands and ribbons - a highly prized item kept in the china or curio cabinet after the wedding.
The bridesmaids also were to arrange the bride's basket, filling it with green garlands and flowers with the initials of the couple. Then in another basket were laid the lace collar and cuffs which were the bride's presents to the bridegroom. Also flowers and palms were scattered from this basket upon the path of the couple on their walk to the registry and the church.
The days before the wedding were spent partying. The bride and bridegroom made arrangements for the banquet and prepared their "costumes". People of moderate means superintended things themselves. The bride and bridegroom wrote the announcements of the wedding themselves and these were sent after the reading of the first banns.
Between the betrothal and the wedding, the homes of both the bride and groom were decorated and nearly every day a dinner was given in honor of the couple by relatives and friends. These "bann dinners" were returned by the bride and groom's "ante-nuptial dinner". This was also a time for receiving gifts from relations and friends.
In these days, the bride wore a "bride's" dress as opposed to a "wedding" dress. The bride's dress was as costly as her parents could afford. A bride of less wealth wore a Lyons silk gown or dress, but might choose black instead of white, and this would then be used for mourning when needed. Brides of poorer means might dispense with traditional fan and perfumed gloves but never with the veil, unless they were of the very poorest. The veil was generally worn only when the wedding was "consecrated".
The groom was also richly dressed. His clothes were costly and in keeping with his social position. Men of modest means wore waistcoat and trousers of cloth, wool or serge. Sometimes the wedding costume was handed down from generation to generation.
In these days the marriage ceremony was performed in public, beginning with the reading of parts of the Epistles of Saint Paul, with Psalm singing between the lessons. At this time, the bridal party entered the church and the bride and groom escorted by their parents. Next the pastor entered the pulpit, read the formulas of marriage, took the oath, and ordered the singing of a Psalm, and also a collection to be taken up for the poor. After the ceremony, the bride and groom led a procession to the bride's home, the pathway covered with flowers or palms.
Once back at the bride's home, the following were served - sugar cake, marchpane, sugared almonds, chapter-sticks, sugared beans, Hippocras, and many kinds of sweet cordials. A larger dinner followed, complete with much food and drink. The Dutch were generally considered as wasteful and lavish at fêtes and holidays as they were economical and staid in daily life. In New Amsterdam, oysters, crabs, lobsters and game of all kinds were plentiful, fruit was abundant, and bakers and pastry-cooks were numerous and efficient. Instead of throwing a bouquet, the bride had a crown under which she had been seated and the lucky one who got her crown was the first to be married next, supposedly.
Open house was kept on the wedding day in New Amsterdam. There was much food, merrymaking and consumption of liquor - an often considerable amount. At the wedding breakfast of Sara Roeloffse, daughter of Anneke Jans, to Hans Kierstede, the surgeon, Director General Kieft took advantage of this situation. After everyone had drunk a lot, he collected money for building the new church at the fort!
All in all, the same extravagant expenditure, often far beyond the means of the hosts, prevailed in New Amsterdam as in the Netherlands. The bride usually received a generous trousseau from her parents, and it was customary for the bridegroom's parents to dress him handsomely. These are customs which have interesting similarities with the present day customs in much of America.
For more information on these customs, check the source for this material:
Dutch New York by Esther Singleton, published by Dodd, Mead and Company (originally), 1909.
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